Earlier today, I saw such a stunning little dragonfly. He hovered around for several minutes before I thought to get my phone out to take a picture, and then he was elusive and eventually flew away. Fortunately, I was able to track down a similar picture:
(Thanks, Wikipedia. What would I do without you in my life?)
He was amazing. Stunning, especially because how translucent most of his wings were. I guess they are pretty common, but I’d never seen one quite like this one before.
Anyways, something about this little guy got me thinking about my writing, and about life in general. And while that direction of thought isn’t necessarily the most cheery, I still wanted to write some of it down.
We got home nearly a week ago from two weeks with our family in Utah. It was a wonderful time. There were lots of firsts with Evelyn- she got to meet several relatives and friends that she had not had a chance to meet yet, first time in REAL mountains, first trip to the zoo… and it was so wonderful for me and Jared to share our most special part of our lives (Evelyn!) with ones that we love.
But coming back from that trip has been harder for me than I thought it would be. We’ve loved our independence far from family, and truly, I think it’s been a wonderful thing for Jared and I to grow closer together as a couple, and now with Evelyn, as a family. But it’s hard. Really hard. I usually do my best to focus on the perks of where we are now, but especially after a good trip with both sides of our family and seeing some dear friends, it is just a fresher reminder of, well, how much easier it would be to have family closer by.
Planning Evie’s Utah party, for instance. I could go “a little crazy” (as Jared puts it) and experiment with some different mediums because there were lots of people around to care for Evelyn while I was having fun with the creative outlet of her party. We’re going to do a little shindig here, too, but it’s not going to be nearly as big of an ordeal, and it’s going to be a nice excuse to have people over to just celebrate Evelyn and spend time with them.
Or a couple of weeks ago, when I had a huge migraine, and all I really wanted was to lay down in a dark and silent for a few hours and regroup until that horrible headache and nausea had passed. But Evelyn and silent aren’t friends. Unless she’s doing something she shouldn’t be, in which case I would not be laying down anyways. I wasn’t going to call anyone here to come and take sweet but crazy little girl- I hate imposing on anyone, but with family, it’s different.
Anyways, back to reflection. Truth is, I don’t know where I’m headed with my life right now, and that’s a little scary. I’ve always had things planned out pretty well, and even with plans changing, still felt like there was an overall direction I was headed. And I used to believe that with enough hard work and dedication, anything was possible. I don’t really believe that anymore… I think a lot of people, especially with our current economic times, would agree that luck plays into things more than ever before. Or who you know, not what you know.
Like how I always really wanted to be a high school English teacher. I really, really wanted that. For years, really. And each year I would do my best to teach what I had been given, and really gave it my all. Even my last year, when I was burnt to the ground and exhausted and needed to take better care of pregnant self, I still had so much responsibility and work that I didn’t feel I could shirk. And, in the end, it still wasn’t enough to get my “dream” of moving to a high school to teach. Which made it that much easier to leave teaching all together at the end of last year.
I think that it was divine intervention, in a way. (Or whatever force of nature you believe guides your life.) I have loved staying at home with Evelyn, and I know it would have been that much harder to make the decision to stay with her if I had to choose between working at a high school and being with her. I’ve debated a lot about going back, and frankly, I don’t think I will. Not anytime in the near future. In order to be a good teacher, I kind of feel like you have to be optimistic and idealistic about your goals and your students. And by the time everything in that last year happened, that part of my life was drained bone-dry. Pessimism in teachers isn’t good- a little complaining here and there is one thing, but when the teacher is mainly there for a pay check, and doesn’t believe in the system or what they are teaching, there is even more danger that they will turn students away from the essential love of learning, and I don’t want to ever contribute to that.
So where do I go now? I always wanted to write, but the right words always seem to evade me to write a good poem or story anymore. And you can’t really tell a toddler, “Hey, wait here! I have to go write something down before I forget it, so will you please not pull the doggy’s tail or try and eat an electric cord while I am busy typing away on a computer?” And by the time Evelyn is down for her nap, I am usually so tired that all I want to do is veg away at the TV, or I feel guilty about the house not being clean enough and try to rectify it as much as possible.
I love my new found hobbies of crochet and even making cute cards with my Cricut, but I don’t see myself doing a good enough job to open an Etsy shop. And there are so many shops now on Etsy- I often feel like it is too late to make my niche in an Etsy shop or as a blogger or whatever else on the internet. I am not particularly original or inventive, so my own style is… well, not particularly exciting.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Jared often says we’ll be okay if I don’t go back to work, and he’s great about not pressuring me on that. But with how lame the economy is, and yet the cost of living seeming to continually rise- I just don’t know if we can get away with it. But at the same time, if I am not going to being spending my time with Evelyn, do I really want to leave her for some lame office job that I don’t even like just for some extra cash?
So where does that leave me? Truly, I don’t know. Hence… reflecting…. Hmm.