Category Archives: depression

Mar26

PPD Round 2

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PPD Round 2

I wrote this several months ago, and never got around to posting. I have never really hidden the fact that I have struggled, sometimes more mightily than others, with depression. It has been a part of me for a long time. I try to focus my best on the positive on my social media and to other people, mostly not because I am ashamed of my depression, but I feel it combats those horrible thoughts when I try to focus on all the good I have around me.

But depression is incredibly draining. I have been focusing on my mental and physical health, and just keeping the day-to-day needs going (like caring for two children). So things, like this blog, have gone on the way side. I am hoping that I am turning a corner, that things will change, and I will be able to take joy again in my crafts and cooking and all those extra things. Since I have been focusing so much on my physical health, I think that has helped with my mental mindset a little. I am hoping that shift will continue to change towards the positive so I can be more active on here again. 🙂

Anyways, without futher ado, writing from the Elisabeth of 7 months ago:

 

As I sit here with a sweet, tiny, little baby boy on my chest, I have a dark secret. The soft puffs of my 4-week-old son’s baby breath tickle my neck, while my toddler sits on my lap, engaged by the TV. It’s a rare peaceful moment, a moment of beauty; the kind other mothers are constantly telling you to cherish because you’ll blink, and then suddenly the kids are off to college.

Screen Shot 2015-03-26 at 12.50.00 PM

But it’s not always possible to enjoy and cherish every moment, especially with postpartum depression.

Today is a pretty good day so far. The depression is more of a haze. It lightly lingers in the air; you can see it is there, but it doesn’t dramatically alter your course. We will go play outside before it gets too hot, and then I will try a few other tricks to keep the toddler entertained until nap time. After nap time, it’s only a few more hours before my husband makes it home and I won’t be so alone anymore. I feel the haze in my impatience with my toddler; the ease which my irritability rises, but I can check it. I can recognize it for what it is.

It’s not always this good. Some days, it’s a thick, heavy fog. The kind of dark storm where you can hardly see your own fingers raised inches in front of your face. I have never personally tried swimming in syrup, but I image the sensation would be the same; the extra exertion just to move your limbs, desperation to keep your head afloat, while everything around you sticks to you and feels a hundred times heavier than they should. Every negative thing said to you in the last week reverberates through your skull, and you beat yourself up for every action you could have handled better.

Some days, as my baby cries, I sob right along with him. I apologize that my kids are stuck with ME. So flawed, so imperfect. I apologize that I just don’t know what else to do as they cry in my arms; how much better things would be if they had somebody, anyone, really, better than me to care for them.

Every thought is distorted and twisted so far that I truly feel like my family would be better off if I just disappeared, or stopped existing.

That’s ridiculous, of course. On a day like today, it’s easy to see. My family needs me. They want me here. They love me, despite all my flaws. My daughter doesn’t understand why Mommy is so sad, and does her best to deal with the emotions that emanate from me, even when I try so hard to hide them to protect her. My husband does understand, and tries to help where he can.

It hasn’t been such a shock like the first time; a time that according to the textbooks, the parenting websites, and Facebook, should be the happiest, was one of the darkest six months of my life as I dealt with a baby who hardly slept, and when she was awake, she screamed and cried endlessly, even with rocking, feeding, changing, swinging. (She happened to find the best time to do this was from about 10PM-2AM every night. For months.) Even with treatment for her acid reflux, she still was a very vocal baby. This was all on top of my own recovery, which did not go as smoothly as I would have hoped.

I’m lucky, in a way. I’ve suffered with depression and self-esteem issues for most of my life, so I knew I was a higher risk for PPD. Especially with my second baby, my husband and I have been taking extra precautions, extra care, trying extra natural solutions from early on to help fight back that heavy fog. This time, so far, this baby’s personality is much different, and I am getting more than a hour or two of sleep a day. It’s amazing how different their personalities are, and how much that has an affect on me (this time, making it a little easier).

PPD still lingers, though. You probably wouldn’t talk to me face to face and guess, unless you asked me outright. I know other moms that have suffered, and like me, they put on a good face to the world. They don’t want to force their pain on others, for whatever the reason may be.

You never know what trial another person is suffering as they try to go throughout their own day. You don’t know what sort of cross they have been asked to bear as they try to do the best they can for themselves and their loved ones.

So please, THINK. Be kind. Offer others the benefit of the doubt. Serve them with actions before words. It doesn’t have to be much. A kind smile, a treat, a hug, can be a huge blessing for somebody who is suffering from depression, just to let them know you remember them, that they matter in some way. The advice, or “words of wisdom” that you dish out to others may do more harm, cause more feelings of guilt for somebody who is already trying their best just to make it through a minute at a time.

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Jun4

Mentally Preparing for Baby 2

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Mentally Preparing for Baby 2

I’ve been absent from writing again. It seems like now that we are about a month away from BBv2.0 time has flown too quickly, and all the things I wish were done for his preparation are nowhere near completion. It’s harder to get things accomplished when your husband has some difficult work deadlines and you have an energetic toddler that is pretty demanding of your time. And the hour or two respite I might get in the middle of the day if she takes a good nap is usually then spent by me resting so I can keep up with her antics for the rest of the day. (Curse you, third trimester insomnia and fatigue!)

Honestly, I have spent a lot of time internalizing things. Being alone with your thoughts and a toddler most days seems to do that. Some of it are logistical questions—who are we comfortable enough with to ask to watch Evelyn while her brother is being born? (Especially if it’s 3 AM and turns out to be a false alarm… Oops, sorry!) Or if it’s during the day and takes a while, who will give the doggies and chickies some extra TLC?

A lot of the questions are the What Ifs.

There is so much I wish I could change about Evelyn’s birth. The longer I have had to think about that experience, the angrier I become with that doctor and hospital. ANGRY. They broke my trust in so many ways. I thought I was covered with a birth plan. I thought I was safer because I had a doula. Truth is, I should have stood up for myself more, and I didn’t think I could. I did in many important ways; at least I was well-read, and had good techniques, and was able to be coherent enough to recognize certain signs, but it wasn’t enough. I trusted the doctor, nurses, hospital to treat me and my family in our best interest and health, but I think my doctor was hoping for a better payout from us (C-Section), and some of the nurses were truly awful.

And there was so much I didn’t realize! Like the fact that using pictocin made it so I had to be on an IV and have continuous monitoring. (That didn’t work well; it rarely caught a contraction, and if I moved at all, as one would expect to do to try and find comfort from a contraction, it was harder to monitor Evelyn. Then they started to give me a hard time on that when really, she was just moving around as I was trying to do and the monitors were worthless.) Did you know your water breaks, you can actually still some time without labor starting; days, even, especially when you don’t have GBS. Yet that 24 hour limit has caused problems for numerous people. And I still remember Evelyn’s little heels, bloodied from all the pricks to check her blood sugar. We had to argue with the nurses and doctors that it was their imposed schedule (not to feed her on demand, but wait until the next text) and a bad nurse that caused her blood sugar to be so low and that if we could just feed her when she was hungry, we could keep her out of the NICU.

Less than a month ago, I came across this article on traumatic birth on one of my favorite sites. While The Leaky Boob focuses more on breastfeeding (if you couldn’t tell by the name!) , they often touch on other aspects of early motherhood too. “Traumatic Birth: Resources for Healing and Protecting Breastfeeding” resonated with me. Suddenly, much of my long recovery after Evelyn’s birth made so much more sense. It took 5-6 days before my milk actually came in. I had horrible anxiety and post-partum depression, mixed with Evelyn’s GERD and irritability, that made it months and months before I felt like I could get more than a hour or two of sleep at a time. Some of the physical healing took months, too, though I will spare you those details.

And the worst part was that I felt like I was ungrateful, that nobody would understand. I don’t think I can count how many times I heard “The most important thing is that the baby is okay.” But I  wasn’t okay for long time. (Another great post on this alone can be found here. Seriously, check it out before you say “All that matters is a healthy baby” to a new mom, especially if you don’t know if she’s struggling or not.)

We are going a completely different direction with Baby Boy’s birth, and I’m both excited and nervous, because I feel like this is still our first time. I still don’t know what it might be like to go into labor naturally, or to be able to move around more freely without being strapped to a bed, or being told that I would just have to wait for a doctor to show up before I could push because the nurses didn’t want to do the paperwork.  But I feel that at least I have a fighting chance, because I really enjoy the midwives and the birthing center that we’ve been attending for most of this pregnancy. (This time, I wasn’t afraid to “shop around”. I know some people thought I was high maintenance for looking at multiple doctors and midwives, but I wanted to make sure both Jared and I felt really comfortable with how we would all be treated through this experience.) And yes, we are very close to a hospital for transport in the unfortunate chance that there may be an emergency.

I feel much more at peace overall with this decision, whereas with my doctor around 30 weeks in I started wishing I could go elsewhere. Oh, how I wish I had.  Even with knowing this is a better decision, the anxiety and worry and unhappiness from the first time has not disappeared, and I just hope that I will be able to let go of that experience enough to make this time the best it can be.

 

If you are interested in some resources I have found helpful, I would recommend some of the following:

Fun article that I mostly agree with (feel free to ask me what I would change or asterisk): “Dear Friend, Birth Doesn’t Have To Suck”

Book: Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin (Skip all the happy-go-lucky stories to the second half of the book where she gets into how childbirth works and some interesting historical facts about how birth has become what it is now)

For supporting nearly all kinds of birth experiences, Birth Without Fear has a great collection of home births to cesarean sections stories and support.

For Breastfeeding: The Leaky Boob. Seriously. Ignore the name if it bothers you, but I have found some amazing things on here that have helped me so much with Evelyn.

Mar11

A quick update…

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A quick update…

I haven’t been very active on here lately. I wanted to do better with blogging, but it just hasn’t been in my bandwidth. There’s been a lot going on, and with my energetic toddler, I don’t know how anyone has ever had the time and energy to get anything done with these crazy little cuties around.

But other than that, if I were to be completely honest with you all, I would have to say that I’ve been struggling with a big resurgence of my anxiety/depression issues, and just being able to take care of my family’s immediate needs has become a main priority. A lot of the remedies I would usually turn to aren’t as viable an option right now, especially being pregnant. And I know the pregnancy has it’s own share of contributing to the problem with hormone changes and pain issues. I’ve felt fairly isolated lately, and it’s been a really difficult time for me in those regards. However, I do apologize for not keeping up with this as well as in the past.

Things with BabyB v2.0 have been moving along fairly smoothly. In fact, a few weeks ago we found out that “it” is a HE. I felt pretty strongly all along that this little guy was indeed a guy, so it was pretty much what I expected. We were really fine with whatever the result would be, as there are benefits to having both another girl, or having a boy, so really it is just planning ahead now that is the fun part.

SAMSUNGThe “REVEAL” picture I shot the day we found out.

SAMSUNG

One of my favorite pictures from the ultrasound- he’s waving hi!

Anyways, that’s been fun. I enjoy being able to plan. The pregnancy has gotten a little more painful the past week with some lower back pain issues that we are working on resolving, but it’s hard to not tweak your back when you have an energetic toddler, right? So being able to sit and rest and dream up ideas on Pinterest of how we can decorate BBv2.0’s room has been a saving grace for my attention during this lonely time, and I am glad for the distraction.

I’ve also been working on a small crochet blanket for him the past few days. I am really excited about this project, especially because it’s the colors I’ve wanted for his nursery from early on, even before I knew for sure he was a boy. I was trying to think of ways to make them work if BBv2.0 had been a girl, so I am glad I don’t have to try as hard now!

BBv2.0Blanketcolors

The colors (in cotton yarn, as he’s going to be a summer baby!)

EvelynBB2blanket

The project so far, based on this Tiramisu blanket pattern.

 

I haven’t gotten too far yet, since thanks to the cutie pictured above, it took about 5-6 hours to untangle a yarn mess she created, putting me a day behind. (Bonus, it motivated my husband and me to FINALLY get a yarn swift to go with our winder so we can wind hanks/skeins here at home… yay!) I tried to get a stand alone picture of the project all morning since the light has been good, but SOMEBODY would not leave the blanket alone. She sees it and immediately wants to snuggle it. I may be making a second blanket here soon just for her since she has been so obsessed with this project.

So that’s what has mostly been up in our lives. Incubating baby #2, surviving Toddler #1, and fighting a battle with housework that if you came over, probably would look like we’re losing. 😉

 

Jan13

“A Year of Love”

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“A Year of Love”

Something I wrote recently about my New Year’s resolution for 2014 was published over at Home & School Mosaics Blog today. Here’s some of it:

“How would you feel if Evelyn felt the same way about herself as you do about yourself?”

I had an interesting conversation with my husband the other night, in which he posed that question to me. For those of you who know me relatively well, I don’t try to hide the fact that I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for long periods of time.

One of the big side effects of my issue is that I put myself down. A lot. So often that I don’t have to TRY to slip in something negative about myself. It comes naturally to me to beat myself up mentally. It’s almost as if I am afraid my pride will get out of control if I don’t give myself a daily deluge of mental criticism and put myself in my place.

The night that this conversation took place, my husband, our 18-month-old daughter Evelyn, and I were hanging up Christmas ornaments on the tree. The majority of our ornaments are special to us – dated ornaments from each year we’ve been married, or gifts we’ve been given through the years, etc. A favorite is from when we went to Disneyland on our honeymoon. (YES, that is absolutely what I wanted, and my sweet hubby delivered, even though we were still poor college students!) While there, we got a picture of our faces pressed together with big smiles etched into a flat glass cutout of Mickey Mouse’s head.Family2013

For more, please continue reading HERE!

What are some of your new year’s resolutions?

Feb5

Advice to New Moms from Another New Mom

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Advice to New Moms from Another New Mom

If you have investigated the parenting world at all, no doubt you’ve come across the lists and articles. You know, the ones that say, “10 Baby Sleep Habits to Avoid! I did this with my child and they sleep great!”

Or whatever.

Anyways, whenever I see those, I am compelled to click on them, even though part of me knows that this sort of advice is going to in some form or another bother me. Why? Because there is no “One Size Fits All!” way to parenting. I’ve been at this for just over 7 months now, and I can say that with certainty.

Example: Evie is just now KIND OF getting a schedule down for naps and bedtime. We usually have about three naps a day, and the middle nap is usually her longer one. Then we usually can get her into bed sometime between 8:00-9:00 PM and expect her to be awake by 7:30-8:00 the next morning.

Yesterday, she decided she didn’t want to have any naps, fought every time I tried to put her down, and maybe managed about an hour’s worth of sleep between 7:45 AM- and 9:00 PM despite my best efforts. It just worked out that way because she was having that sort of day.

One of the things that bothered me the most when Evelyn was first born was when others would say, “You can set a clock by my child’s feeding schedule!” or “I set my child up on a feeding and sleeping schedule from day 1, and you should try it, too!” Why?

Well, Evelyn was born small, despite my best attempts at having a healthy pregnancy. The hospital was constantly worried about her blood sugar and gave her many of the same tests they would do for a premie, even though she was born at 38 weeks, 6 days. (Labor story on why that was can be found here.) She had to eat often- and even though we wanted to exclusively breastfeed, the hospital force-fed her extra formula through a SNS tube and occasional bottles. (By the way, she never suffered nipple confusion because of use of a bottle and pacifier in the early days. She now knows what a bottle and pacifier are and wants nothing to do with either of them.) Then she also had GERD/acid reflux.

A feeding schedule and sleep schedule were out the window with these issues. I read several books, articles, you name it, but she didn’t consistently sleep long stretches through the night until almost 6 months. She sometimes still will go 3-4 hours without wanting to eat and then eat hourly. She is just that way. And I am learning to love her all the more for it. She keeps me on my toes.

All those comments about “Well, my baby did…” were like a slap in the face to me. Even though I knew it was well-meaning in most cases, I felt as if those people were insinuating that I was not as good as them, that I was doing something wrong, because my child did not fit into the same sized box as theirs.

(It didn’t help that those postpartum hormones are killer. Factor in that I was averaging between 1-3 hours of sleep per 24 hour period, and my postpartum depression, saying that your child was so great was probably one of the LEAST helpful things you could say to me. THINK, people, before spouting out how great something worked for you to new moms!)

So, here’s the food for thought I’d like to leave you all with for now.

  1. Trust your intuition for your child. Parenting is not “One Size Fits All”. One recent study says that letting a child over 6 months cry it out is just fine and that there was no measurable emotional or physical differences in children 5 years later (in who did and didn’t “cry it out”). Then another study says it might not be so fine. Do what you can tolerate. I was comforted when my pediatrician told me that you have to balance your mental health into the equation with the baby’s needs, too.
  2. Don’t do this alone. I felt like since I was now officially a Stay At Home Mom, I had to primarily bear the burden of late nights. When Evelyn had been crying for 4 hours straight, and it was 2:00 am, I was desperate and felt alone and hopeless. Jared could tell my frustration level was peaking, and even though I usually fought him on it, he would take Evie from me and make me lie down. Those 30-60 minute breaks, even if I didn’t sleep, helped me regain some sanity. I am so grateful to have a wonderful partner. Plus, it took two to tango our way into this mess… Sometimes you need to take two to tango back out. 😉 (Also, I am horrible at asking for help, and I feel uncomfortable taking others up on their offers, but if you force your help on me, usually I will eventually accept it. Don’t be like me: Accept the help when offered!)
  3. Just because somebody else had it harder, doesn’t mean that right now, this isn’t hard for you. There are cases of babies being a breeze, and then there are babies and parents having to deal with much worse trials than we have had to face. Their suffering doesn’t devalue your own. So, going back to #2, let others help you if you need it. It doesn’t mean you are weak.
  4. SLEEP WHEN YOU CAN! Seriously. The dirty dishes, laundry, vacuuming; it all can wait. Sleep when the baby sleeps. You can only do so much when you are sleep deprived. Even better yet, use all those visitors to do something for you. If they stay longer than 10 minutes, they should bring a meal for you all, or vacuum a room for you. Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s rude for them to expect you to be a host when you have a newborn in the house. Anyone who’s had a kid understands, promise.
  5. It gets better. So, so, so much better. I remember during week 2, when everyone said, “It gets better around 2-3 months!” I turned to Jared and said, “I don’t even know if I will make it that far.” But I did. And it did get better. I am so grateful I get to stay home with my sweet daughter and watch her change day by day. Looking back now, some of the the things that happened seem funny. Ironic, even. Of course, it is easier to see the humor on a few extra hours of sleep, too…

Sorry for the long-winded post, but this sort of thing has been irking me for some time and I had to say something about it. New mothers- unite! We need to support each other, not boss each other around because what worked for one person doesn’t work for another. There is so much joy to be found in this new adventure as a mother to be bogged down by feeling like we aren’t doing things right.